This is just a first draft...if any of y'all have any suggestions or criticism, I welcome it.
xoxoxo

Briar Rose

Once when I was a child
I pricked my finger
on that mythical spinning wheel.
That’s the story I told myself,
that I was just sleeping here
and someday a prince would come
and kiss me awake.
I knew better, of course.
That shape bending over my bed
was no prince.
I was pricked, all right,
but there was no fairy godmother
to save me from that curse.
No christening banquet.
No gifts.
That secret kiss in the night
was not my savior.
Now, long years later,
maybe a hundred or so,
I live here in my armor of thorns.
I can’t bear the smell of roses
of honeysuckle
sweet and rancid like my father’s breath,
the reek of the satisfied monster.
I’m insomniac now,
dreading night,
dreading sleep,
that kiss in the darkness,
the prick.
The wound.
My blood on the sheets
red
as a briar rose.

1. The illnesses I live with are:
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Chronic Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Migraines, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Stage IV Endometriosis, Chronic Insomnia

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year:
I was diagnosed with chronic depression in early childhood...my first serious suicide attempt requiring hospitalization was when I was 8 years old. IBS and endometriosis, somewhere in the mid-80s. PTSD and the anxiety disorder were diagnosed after Katrina, though I have had symptoms since early childhood. I've only had migraines since Katrina. I'm self-diagnosed with the insomnia, though it's affected my life in a serious way since I was about three years old.

3. But I had symptoms since:
Pretty much forever. I can't remember a time when I felt 'normal'.

4. The biggest adjustment I've had to make is:
Realizing that this is my life. There will be good days and bad days, but it's never going to go away completely.

5. Most people assume:
That none of my ailments are serious or debilitating, that I should just suck it up and get a job, already.

6. The hardest part about mornings is:
Having to get out of bed and face another day.

7. My favorite medical TV show is:
M*A*S*H. The balance between tragedy and laughter is just right.

8. A gadget I couldn't live without is:
The internet, if that counts as a gadget. I'm pretty reclusive, so I live my life through electrons for the most part.

9. The hardest part about nights is:
The nightmares. The night terrors. The inability to fall asleep or stay asleep. The guilt I feel when I accidentally kick the cat off the bed in the throes of a nightmare.

10. Each day I take [?] pills & vitamins.
I don't. I can't afford any sort of health care or medications, and the "services" provided by the government have failed me over and over again.

11. Regarding alternative treatments, I:
I would really, really love a good massage.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness and a visible one, I would choose:
To be healthy, whatever that is. I think I'd prefer something visible...as things are, people simply assume I'm weak and lazy.

13. Regarding working and career:
I can't have one. My good days are rare at best and come unpredictably. I would have to work from home, and have no real useful skills to parlay into any sort of income. Unless someone wants to pay me for the songs I make up and sing to my cat...;)

14. People would be surprised to know:
How damned hard it is to just make it through the day.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality is:
This isn't a new reality. It's the only reality I've ever known.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness was:
Laugh about it. Still working on that.

17. The commercials about my illness:
There are none, except for depression. Cymbalta has taught me that depression hurts the dogs.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed:
I don't miss anything, since it's always been this way.

19. It was really hard to give up:
Hope.

20. A new hobby I've taken up since my diagnosis is:
Playing connect-the-dots with all of my scars and naming the constellations thus created.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again, I would:
I don't know what normal is.

22. My illness has taught me:
That it's possible to keep living and fighting even when I dream of giving up.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say (about my illness) that gets under my skin is:
That all happened years ago. Just get over it.

24. But I love it when people:
Buy me books out of sympathy. ;)

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is:
The Litany Against Fear. It really works. Sometimes.

26. When someone is diagnosed I like to tell them:
You can make it through this. You can live with this, and find some sort of happiness. Just don't ever give up.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is:
How damned hard it can be sometimes to just get out of bed and face the day.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn't feeling well was:
Many people have given me books, and encouragement, and so much love. You all are the reason I'm still here and still fighting.

29. I'm involved with Invisible Illness Week because:
I'm the poster girl. ;)

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel:
Like you maybe have too much time on your hands...;)

Wow! A post that has nothing to do with Iran! ;)

Lots of new readers, and some have said that while they appreciate all of the Iran stuff, they want to get to know me as well, so...

I was born and raised in the San Francisco Bay Area. I had a terrible, abusive childhood, but managed somehow to survive. In the process, I put my father in San Quentin, and managed to get a law changed in California. Some of the details are in older posts...if you're interested, feel free to search my archive.

I moved to New Orleans in 1998, and felt that I had finally come home. I was a naked bartender in the French Quarter for many years, had wonderful friends, and felt blessed every day just to be living in such a wonderful place.

Then, in 2005, Hurricane Katrina came to town. I was stranded in the city, lost everything, and spent nine days in hell. Some of my experiences can be found at hurricanegrrl.
( Read more... )