1. The illnesses I live with are:
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Chronic Depression, Anxiety Disorder, Migraines, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Stage IV Endometriosis, Chronic Insomnia

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year:
I was diagnosed with chronic depression in early childhood...my first serious suicide attempt requiring hospitalization was when I was 8 years old. IBS and endometriosis, somewhere in the mid-80s. PTSD and the anxiety disorder were diagnosed after Katrina, though I have had symptoms since early childhood. I've only had migraines since Katrina. I'm self-diagnosed with the insomnia, though it's affected my life in a serious way since I was about three years old.

3. But I had symptoms since:
Pretty much forever. I can't remember a time when I felt 'normal'.

4. The biggest adjustment I've had to make is:
Realizing that this is my life. There will be good days and bad days, but it's never going to go away completely.

5. Most people assume:
That none of my ailments are serious or debilitating, that I should just suck it up and get a job, already.

6. The hardest part about mornings is:
Having to get out of bed and face another day.

7. My favorite medical TV show is:
M*A*S*H. The balance between tragedy and laughter is just right.

8. A gadget I couldn't live without is:
The internet, if that counts as a gadget. I'm pretty reclusive, so I live my life through electrons for the most part.

9. The hardest part about nights is:
The nightmares. The night terrors. The inability to fall asleep or stay asleep. The guilt I feel when I accidentally kick the cat off the bed in the throes of a nightmare.

10. Each day I take [?] pills & vitamins.
I don't. I can't afford any sort of health care or medications, and the "services" provided by the government have failed me over and over again.

11. Regarding alternative treatments, I:
I would really, really love a good massage.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness and a visible one, I would choose:
To be healthy, whatever that is. I think I'd prefer something visible...as things are, people simply assume I'm weak and lazy.

13. Regarding working and career:
I can't have one. My good days are rare at best and come unpredictably. I would have to work from home, and have no real useful skills to parlay into any sort of income. Unless someone wants to pay me for the songs I make up and sing to my cat...;)

14. People would be surprised to know:
How damned hard it is to just make it through the day.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality is:
This isn't a new reality. It's the only reality I've ever known.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness was:
Laugh about it. Still working on that.

17. The commercials about my illness:
There are none, except for depression. Cymbalta has taught me that depression hurts the dogs.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed:
I don't miss anything, since it's always been this way.

19. It was really hard to give up:
Hope.

20. A new hobby I've taken up since my diagnosis is:
Playing connect-the-dots with all of my scars and naming the constellations thus created.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again, I would:
I don't know what normal is.

22. My illness has taught me:
That it's possible to keep living and fighting even when I dream of giving up.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say (about my illness) that gets under my skin is:
That all happened years ago. Just get over it.

24. But I love it when people:
Buy me books out of sympathy. ;)

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is:
The Litany Against Fear. It really works. Sometimes.

26. When someone is diagnosed I like to tell them:
You can make it through this. You can live with this, and find some sort of happiness. Just don't ever give up.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is:
How damned hard it can be sometimes to just get out of bed and face the day.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn't feeling well was:
Many people have given me books, and encouragement, and so much love. You all are the reason I'm still here and still fighting.

29. I'm involved with Invisible Illness Week because:
I'm the poster girl. ;)

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel:
Like you maybe have too much time on your hands...;)

Four years ago today, at exactly this time, I was standing in the front door of what had been my home, looking at the mounds of rubble that covered everything I had owned.

Today, I still ache for my losses. My signed first edition books, my photographs, love letters...the things which are irreplaceable and irretrievable.

Here I am in Austin Texas, still lost, still an exile. And it breaks my heart.

New Orleans was my life, the living extension of my soul. And I will never get that back. I may never truly have a home, ever again.

Some of my friends are still there, limping through life day to day, trying to maintain some fragment of the magic that the city always shared so gracefully.

Some of my friends are scattered across the country, the New Orleans Diaspora, scarred and isolated, just like me.

Some of my friends are dead, senselessly lost in the horror of murder which has become the daily existence in New Orleans.

My city is still dying by inches. I am still exiled and bleeding. Katrina never ended. Nothing will ever be the same.

Please spare a thought today for all of those who have died, all who are withering in the strange soils of exile, all of those who are broken past mending.

Someday, perhaps the nightmares will end. Someday, maybe I will feel alive again. But the one thing that I know in my heart is the old wisdom...

You can't go home again.

Gods bless New Orleans.

Hello, my dears.

I'm still in a fairly deep depressive funk, which, going by past experience, will probably last at least another couple of weeks...Katrinaversary+birthday=blechh

I'm taking a break from covering Iran for a little while, unless something really changes dramatically. I just can't cope with it right now.

In the meantime, here are some excellent sites you can use to stay on top of the ever-changing situation there:

I can't praise this site highly enough...the "news and current events" threads are always interesting and insightful. NiteOwl's Green Brief is always cogent, well-organized, and pertinent. One stop shopping for all of your Iran needs!
http://iran.whyweprotest.net/

This link is for a live-blogger in Tehran:
http://shooresh1917.blogspot.com/

On Twitter:
iran_translator, oxfordgirl, onlymehdi, and most especially sp4rrowh4wk have proven to be very reliable sources with good information

Time.com and Huffington Post have been fairly good at keeping up with the situation and reporting consistently.

If anyone wants to add any links, please do so in comments.

Thank you everyone, for being so understanding. I probably won't be reading LJ much or commenting for a bit...see y'all on the other side.
xoxoxo

Thank you, everyone, for your love and support. It helps more than you know. I'm probably not going to be posting anything for a few days...I just need to regroup right now and get my head straight.

If I've missed replying to anyone, please forgive me. I'm trying to stay on top of the comments, but my energy reserves are dangerously low right now. Please know that your words of sympathy of support are read and deeply appreciated.

I'm sorry, my dears, but I don't have the heart for much today. Thank you for your support and your condolences.

Here are some excerpts from NiteOwl's Green Brief about yesterday's events.

In anticipation of the protest planned in front of Etemaade Melli’s office, in support of Karroubi, dozens of security forces were stationed in the vicinity of the newspaper office from early in the day. Dozens more were in the streets leading to the office, which is located near Karim Khan Bridge

Hundreds tried to gather in front of Etemaade Melli’s office, in defiance of the government. Women outnumbered men during the protest. People chanted “Allaho Akbar”, “Noble People of Iran; Support Us!”, “Down With the Deceitful Government” and “Death to the Dictator”, as they tried to get closer to the office’s gates. They also made the victory sign.

Security forces started beating protesters as soon as they got close to the main gate and dispersed them. Riding motorbikes, Basijis also joined the security forces, herding protesters away from the main gate and onto the streets. This forced many people to move towards Valiasr Square. Many abruptly stopped midway and chanted slogans again.

( Read more... )

I heartily wish I didn't have to report this. I just found out that Fayah was one of the women who led the protests on July 30th at Neda Agha Soltan's gravesite.

She was beaten severely by several Basij militiamen with batons, and struck repeatedly on the head.

Her friends carried her away from the cemetary to a friend's house. She died on August 2nd, having never regained consciousness.

Fayah Azadi was 23 years old, a student at Tehran University, studying art. She was a talented painter, and a staunch supporter of democracy and women's rights.

Nothing I can say can do justice to her courage and dedication and resolve, so I am reposting her last email to me. Her words are the best epitaph I can imagine.

Please note, if you are one of the people who abhors martyrdom and the very concept of dying for a cause, I respect your opinion but this is not the place to state it. I am deeply distraught right now, and I fear I would not give your opinions the thoughtful response that they deserve. Thank you.

"I love life. I love to laugh and be with my friends. There are so many books I want to read, movies I want to see, people I want to meet. I want to marry, to be a good wife and mother. I want to grow old with the people I love, to feel the sun on my face, to see the ocean, to travel.

My country is in a terrible state. People have no jobs. There is no money. People have no freedom. Women must hide themselves from the world, and we have no choices.

Our people--we are not terrorists. We hate terrorists. And that is what our government has become. They kill our people for no reason. They torture us in their prisons because we want freedom. They make our country look evil, they make our religion look evil.

We are fighting for our freedom, for our religion, for our country. If we do nothing while injustice abounds, we become unjust. We turn into the ones we hate.

I have to fight. I have to go back on the streets. I will make them kill me. I will join Neda, with my friends, and then maybe the world will hear us.

I never thought I would become a martyr, but it is needed. The more of us they kill, the smaller they become, the more strength the people will have. Maybe my death will mean nothing, but maybe it will buy my country freedom.

I am very sad that I will never be a mother, that I will never do the things I love, but I would rather die than do nothing and know that I am to blame for the tortures, the murder, the hatred.

Please tell the world how much we love life. That we are not terrorists. We just want to be free."

My friend Ali who was arrested a couple of weeks ago has been released.

He was beaten severely, multiple times, and is in the hospital. He has a serious infection, but is expected to live.

He will, someday, need reconstructive surgery...they beat his face so badly his parents almost couldn't recognize him.

He has many broken ribs, a broken arm, both collarbones are broken. One of his kidneys was severely damaged and must be removed. He was not raped.

I am in tears, shaking with rage. I feel so damned helpless and frustrated and there is not a single damned thing I can do to help him.

Please, my friends, keep Ali and his family in your thoughts and prayers, and also Fayah and Rashid, both of whom are still incommunicado.

In the words of another Iranian friend:

on the roofs we are singing and dying,
on the streets we are walking and dying,
in the prisons we are screaming and dying
we will sing and walk and scream and die again

Please, keep listening. Keep helping their voices to be heard. These are our brothers. These are our sisters. Don't let their sacrifices go unlamented.

First: Welcome, everyone, and thank you for your support and your interest. Your response has been overwhelming, and I'm doing my best to post information and keep up with your comments and emails.

Second: I'm really sorry I've been neglecting my friends list. I've been really, really busy and haven't had a chance to read or comment for a few days. If there's anything you think I should know about or you'd especially like to share, please post links in the comments.

Third: I'm going to take a few days off from the Iran thing. If I hear anything from Fayah and her friends, I'll post it immediately. Otherwise...I've been totally neglecting my real life (ssuch as it is) and I still have a fair amount of work to finish on Sekrit Project Part Two. I should be able to clue y'all in soonish...a month or so maybe? Anyway.

Other than Iran and the Sekrit Project, I've been stressing a ridiculous amount about my birthday. In a little over a month (September 6), I'll be turning 40.

I've been in Austin for over three years now, and I still know no one here. Katrina damaged me to the point where I'm little more than a recluse.

I never envisioned my 40th birthday as being me and the cat sitting around the apartment moping. I always imagined a huge party, surrounded by friends. Not this.

I feel like I'm just marking time, waiting for my life to restart. It's all pretty depressing. Also, embarassing. I mean, here I am, almost 40, whining because I won't get a party and cake and presents. Pretty sad. I'd like to think I'm bigger than that.

Maybe this is my mid-life crisis. If so, I'd rather have a hot blonde and a red convertible.
/end sulk

Since a couple of you have asked, here's my Amazon wishlist, but really...the love and support you all give me is the best gift of all.
xoxoxo